He sees you when you're sleeping...

So I thought of another reason not to do Santa.

We tell kids that Santa's watching them and that they'd better be good or they'll get a lump of coal in their stockings. Okay, well, I don't tell my kids this. I just sneer and shrug my shoulders when they ask me about Santa. But that's the idea, right, that Santa's watching and keeps tabs on who's naughty and nice.

But how often do you suppose parents actually withhold the Santa present from their kids, no matter the behavior? I can tell you I'd have a hard time doing it. The whole reason I started thinking about this is that Olivier has been full of attitude and grumpiness lately, and I thought he probably deserves a lump of coal, but there's already a big fat present hiding in the basement for him to share with his baby brother, and he's getting it, crappy attitude or not.

What does this teach kids? We tell them there will be consequences if they're not good, and then those consequences never come. They act like little punks and still wake up on Christmas morning to gifts under the tree and overflowing stockings, which really just tells them that no one really cares about their behavior and that they can do what they want and still get what they want.

If you don't have kids, it's easy to say, "No, my kids won't get presents from Santa if they're bad." You can do the whole elf on the shelf thing and threaten threaten threaten. But following through is another matter. It is not easy at all. Little kids have a hard time understanding consequences like that, the kind that aren't immediate. So it's really hard to reinforce the things we try to teach them. But telling them to be good or else without following through seems to me like it might do more harm than anything.

Yet another reason this whole Santa thing is a bad idea.

The Perks of Being Pregnant

It's been three months since my last blog post. What have I been doing? Getting fat, that's what. Big and fat. My fourth baby will be arriving next month, because I didn't have enough kids already.

This will be our fourth child, but it's my five hundred thousandth pregnancy. Yes, five hundred thousand. I must really like to be pregnant. I've been knocked up for much of the last eight years. Today, while examining my expanding abdomen, I began thinking about the pros of being knocked up. There are many that are not as obvious as one might think.

So here you have it. The Pensive Monkey's Perks of Being Pregnant:

1.) First of all, when you get fat enough, your belly button begins to pop out. Now, this might be gross, but at the same time, it's really quite convenient. My belly button is now 100% lint free. It's impeccably clean at all times.

My navel's cleaner than yours.

2.) You can use your huge belly as a shelf for snacks and drinks. Saves a ton of money on side tables.

3.) But don't stop there. You also have a built in shelf for all sorts of necessary items:

Books.

Staplers.

Stuffed monkeys.

Potted plants.

4.) Most hospitals give their patients these awesome water jugs. They're big, they're insulated, and they come with straws! Totally worth the pains of labor:

5.) Speaking of the hospital, if you want to avoid an epidural, one option is to receive an intravenous narcotic. I did this with my first. I was high as a kite, and it was totally legal. (I've since opted for the epidural, and it's really the way to go. But if you like to feel doped up, the option is there.)

6.) When strangers ask you when you're due, no one says you have to tell the truth. You can say, "I was due four days ago!" and they'll be none the wiser, but they'll be more likely to say, "Oh, you look so good!" If you tell them the truth, they'll probably say something that makes you feel fat. Which you are, but you don't need to be reminded day in and day out. So just lie, and you'll likely get a compliment!

7.) You're more likely to be the recipient of random acts of kindness when out in public. People might move to give you a seat on the bus or let you go ahead of them in line. I've been ushered to the front of the line at airports while hugely pregnant. Then again, you should never, ever expect this. Because really, most people are jerks. So. Forget number seven.

8.) That's all I got. Screw this. I'm not having any more babies. How many big hospital mugs does a person need anyway?