The Perks of Being Pregnant

It's been three months since my last blog post. What have I been doing? Getting fat, that's what. Big and fat. My fourth baby will be arriving next month, because I didn't have enough kids already.

This will be our fourth child, but it's my five hundred thousandth pregnancy. Yes, five hundred thousand. I must really like to be pregnant. I've been knocked up for much of the last eight years. Today, while examining my expanding abdomen, I began thinking about the pros of being knocked up. There are many that are not as obvious as one might think.

So here you have it. The Pensive Monkey's Perks of Being Pregnant:

1.) First of all, when you get fat enough, your belly button begins to pop out. Now, this might be gross, but at the same time, it's really quite convenient. My belly button is now 100% lint free. It's impeccably clean at all times.

My navel's cleaner than yours.

2.) You can use your huge belly as a shelf for snacks and drinks. Saves a ton of money on side tables.

3.) But don't stop there. You also have a built in shelf for all sorts of necessary items:

Books.

Staplers.

Stuffed monkeys.

Potted plants.

4.) Most hospitals give their patients these awesome water jugs. They're big, they're insulated, and they come with straws! Totally worth the pains of labor:

5.) Speaking of the hospital, if you want to avoid an epidural, one option is to receive an intravenous narcotic. I did this with my first. I was high as a kite, and it was totally legal. (I've since opted for the epidural, and it's really the way to go. But if you like to feel doped up, the option is there.)

6.) When strangers ask you when you're due, no one says you have to tell the truth. You can say, "I was due four days ago!" and they'll be none the wiser, but they'll be more likely to say, "Oh, you look so good!" If you tell them the truth, they'll probably say something that makes you feel fat. Which you are, but you don't need to be reminded day in and day out. So just lie, and you'll likely get a compliment!

7.) You're more likely to be the recipient of random acts of kindness when out in public. People might move to give you a seat on the bus or let you go ahead of them in line. I've been ushered to the front of the line at airports while hugely pregnant. Then again, you should never, ever expect this. Because really, most people are jerks. So. Forget number seven.

8.) That's all I got. Screw this. I'm not having any more babies. How many big hospital mugs does a person need anyway?