He sees you when you're sleeping...

So I thought of another reason not to do Santa.

We tell kids that Santa's watching them and that they'd better be good or they'll get a lump of coal in their stockings. Okay, well, I don't tell my kids this. I just sneer and shrug my shoulders when they ask me about Santa. But that's the idea, right, that Santa's watching and keeps tabs on who's naughty and nice.

But how often do you suppose parents actually withhold the Santa present from their kids, no matter the behavior? I can tell you I'd have a hard time doing it. The whole reason I started thinking about this is that Olivier has been full of attitude and grumpiness lately, and I thought he probably deserves a lump of coal, but there's already a big fat present hiding in the basement for him to share with his baby brother, and he's getting it, crappy attitude or not.

What does this teach kids? We tell them there will be consequences if they're not good, and then those consequences never come. They act like little punks and still wake up on Christmas morning to gifts under the tree and overflowing stockings, which really just tells them that no one really cares about their behavior and that they can do what they want and still get what they want.

If you don't have kids, it's easy to say, "No, my kids won't get presents from Santa if they're bad." You can do the whole elf on the shelf thing and threaten threaten threaten. But following through is another matter. It is not easy at all. Little kids have a hard time understanding consequences like that, the kind that aren't immediate. So it's really hard to reinforce the things we try to teach them. But telling them to be good or else without following through seems to me like it might do more harm than anything.

Yet another reason this whole Santa thing is a bad idea.

The Perks of Being Pregnant

It's been three months since my last blog post. What have I been doing? Getting fat, that's what. Big and fat. My fourth baby will be arriving next month, because I didn't have enough kids already.

This will be our fourth child, but it's my five hundred thousandth pregnancy. Yes, five hundred thousand. I must really like to be pregnant. I've been knocked up for much of the last eight years. Today, while examining my expanding abdomen, I began thinking about the pros of being knocked up. There are many that are not as obvious as one might think.

So here you have it. The Pensive Monkey's Perks of Being Pregnant:

1.) First of all, when you get fat enough, your belly button begins to pop out. Now, this might be gross, but at the same time, it's really quite convenient. My belly button is now 100% lint free. It's impeccably clean at all times.

My navel's cleaner than yours.

2.) You can use your huge belly as a shelf for snacks and drinks. Saves a ton of money on side tables.

3.) But don't stop there. You also have a built in shelf for all sorts of necessary items:

Books.

Staplers.

Stuffed monkeys.

Potted plants.

4.) Most hospitals give their patients these awesome water jugs. They're big, they're insulated, and they come with straws! Totally worth the pains of labor:

5.) Speaking of the hospital, if you want to avoid an epidural, one option is to receive an intravenous narcotic. I did this with my first. I was high as a kite, and it was totally legal. (I've since opted for the epidural, and it's really the way to go. But if you like to feel doped up, the option is there.)

6.) When strangers ask you when you're due, no one says you have to tell the truth. You can say, "I was due four days ago!" and they'll be none the wiser, but they'll be more likely to say, "Oh, you look so good!" If you tell them the truth, they'll probably say something that makes you feel fat. Which you are, but you don't need to be reminded day in and day out. So just lie, and you'll likely get a compliment!

7.) You're more likely to be the recipient of random acts of kindness when out in public. People might move to give you a seat on the bus or let you go ahead of them in line. I've been ushered to the front of the line at airports while hugely pregnant. Then again, you should never, ever expect this. Because really, most people are jerks. So. Forget number seven.

8.) That's all I got. Screw this. I'm not having any more babies. How many big hospital mugs does a person need anyway?

To Fall

Ah, fall. You snuck in and then blew your cool breath to extinguish the flames of summer. And I thank you.

This is my ode to Autumn, who I do so love. Summer is still here...but it's hanging by a thin thread. Fall will win. Summer will fall. The trees will soon begin to glow, and then golden leaves will rain upon the street. I've already dug out the sweaters and bought a snappy red trench coat. We're tossing around the idea of a fire pit. I'm mum shopping tomorrow. My apple cinnamon candles make me weak in the knees. Ah, fall.

Things are going well for me. This is my final semester as an undergraduate, and while I initially thought it would be a bit nightmarish, it actually seems quite manageable. I am in two fiction courses, which will leave me with three (hopefully decent) short stories at the end of the semester. I'm also acting as editorial assistant on a poetry anthology (exciting), and my senior seminar involves reading a stack of books that were on my to-read list. Nice.

Speaking of reading lists, if you enjoy reading and haven't already heard of http://www.goodreads.com/, you should check it out. You can rate what you have read and make a list of what you still need to read, which is pretty awesome, especially if you're like me and tend to wander into libraries and draw a blank. (I used to do the same with music stores, but now I just buy mp3s. But we've already discussed my feelings on digital books. Not happening.) You can add friends, straight from facebook, if that's how you roll, and see what they're reading, liking, disliking, etc. It's pretty sweet.

Standardized Tests...

...blow. I hate them. Loathe them. Bomb them.

I registered for the GRE last month, which was $160. I bought two practice books (one math, one verbal), and devoted some time to studying, although I'll admit that I lost steam rather quickly and decided not to try anymore. Oops. People said, "It's not that bad!"

It was that bad. I guessed on so. Many. Questions. Both in the math and verbal sections. Which is pathetic. I'm supposed to be smart. All these people think I'm smart. And I blew it.

I'm not going to post my scores here. I'm not particularly happy with them. Suffice to say, I scored well below average on the quantitative section, and above average, but not as high as I would have liked, on the verbal. I cried afterward. Yes. I felt that defeated.

Not only did the test itself suck, but I spent all that time and money on it, and I really just don't feel like a standardized test is a good measure of everyone's intelligence. I don't do well on objective tests like that, where there's one correct answer. I like a good essay question, where I can explain my logic.

Plus, I felt like I was applying to be a spy or something. They actually used metal detectors (ha, freudian slip...I just typed mental detectors -- no brains allowed!). I had to turn my pockets inside out. Etc. Overkill, maybe? No?

I'm applying to MFA programs. From what I've read, they don't care much about the GRE scores. Let's hope that's true.

Another technology tirade.

I'm having a crappy day. It's been almost a month since my last post, and apparently my only inspiration these days comes from stupid technology.

This is just my public service announcement telling you that HP sucks, and you should not give them your business. I won't anymore.

In early 2007, I spent quite a bit on an HP Pavilion. I chose what I did because it had a built-in webcam, a feature that my family would use a lot, and at the time, it was the cheapest laptop I could find with that feature. I so regret my decision. The laptop is literally falling apart -- we've lost a key for no known reason. But worse than that, it won't boot up anymore. It started having problems a long time ago. It would only boot up sometimes. It would crash a lot. Et cetera. We figured we had a virus or something. My tech-savvy brother-in-law tried to fix it for us, to no avail. We gave up on it.

This January, we bought a Macbook. We like it a lot so far. We had completely retired the HP. Then today I discovered that my department at school has changed its graduation requirements, and I'm now supposed to present a portfolio of work from three classes, two of which I took back when we had this laptop, meaning all of my essays are saved there. I never thought I'd need them, so I didn't back them up. Now I can't access them. I googled it just to see if there was some way to get them, and in that process, I found that HP had recalled this series of computers (tons of people had the exact same problem we were having) and was repairing them for free. Awesome, I thought. I called to get in on the action. I talked to a TOTAL DOUCHEBAG, who spoke to me as if I were a complete moron, and said that yes, these computers had this problem, and yes, they were fixing them for free, but if the problem happened after the warranty had expired, then it was the computer owner's fault. HA.

I wasn't exactly surprised to get that answer. I was really, really irritated with his condescending attitude. I have ZERO tolerance for condescension. Zero. Am I wrong to think that they should fix the problem if they have acknowledged that it is THEIR DEFECTIVE PRODUCT, not some user error, no matter when the warranty expired??? It's not like this laptop is fifteen years old. It's three years old, and we started having problems over a year ago, probably a year and a half or more.

There. Vent over. Don't buy HP.

Hackers and other Modern Day Joys

I have four email addresses (my first one -- hotmail -- which I just haven't deleted because some people still send me emails there, a yahoo address that I mainly use for bill pay but occasionally use for personal emails, my gmail account, which is the one I use the most to send personal emails, and my school address). In the past year and a half, three out of four of these accounts have been hacked, and all of the people in my address book have received junk messages from me, presumably with viruses attached. The most recent incident was yesterday.

Sometimes I dream of abandoning the "perks" of the modern world, which often become annoyances. I regret signing a two-year contract on my satellite TV because the TV is on far too much. I wish I could cancel it and use the TV only to watch movies that we rent. I mean, I could, but I'd have to pay a fee. I wish I didn't need internet, but I do. I have to have it for school. I pay tons of my bills that way. We keep in touch with far away family that way. And I really just can't imagine not having it. Not having google at my disposal to find the answer to virtually any question? Inconceivable.

But in my head, it's lovely to imagine abandoning it all and living in some quiet country house with a beautiful garden, and writing, and watching my kids play outside all day without worrying about them being hit by a car or kidnapped, and reading, and painting, and gardening, and actually doing productive things. Who's going to hack my garden? My books? My typewriter?

Someone. Someone would find a way, because people are evil. My kids sometimes obsess over "bad guys," and they ask if there are bad people here, where we live...and that terrible part of me that just can't sugar coat things for my kids has to sigh and say, "Yes. Bad people are everywhere." Sad, but true.

Puppy Goes to the Gallows

I found this in the kitchen. How concerned should I be for the safety of my dog...and the rest of the family, for that matter?